I have become addicted to working out. Not only is it an amazing stress release....it makes me feel so freaking amazing!
I started it pretty half assed back in September. It didn't feel half assed at the time. It was about 3 times a week...20 min a go.
The 20 minutes was tough. I thought at times I was going to die! But damn did I feel like a million bucks afterwards.
Of course my body has been perpetually sore since I started this. Sore in a good way. I can only compare the feeling to something else that makes one feel awesomely good. Lol. But I won't get into that.
So now I decided to do the "challenge". It's called the 10 in 10. It guarantees you if you do this workout for 10 days you will loose 10 inches/pounds in those days. Granted you are given a diet to follow to a T...and well...I am not doing that part.
It's been a while since I've done a gratitude post.
Since losing my cat and being beat up by a dog...well I need some reminders about what I am grateful for.
It's been a week.
The kind of week where I would have preferred to just stay in bed and nap. Pull the covers over my head and tune out the world.
With my head, it's impossible to tune out the thoughts. At first I was going to say voices but I realized how crazy that would sound...so I will leave that one alone.
Today I received a card in the mail from the emergency vet clinic. Sorry for our loss.
That's all I needed to get the waterworks started.
It's amazing how many people don't get it....the loss. The enormous emotion behind that kind of loss. And then there are those who do. Even if it comes in the form of a card from the last place you want to revisit.
Tomorrow is a big day in the interior design world.
All year, interior designers wait for this hoity toity event.
Big names are going to be there...although I wouldn't be able to tell you what they are.
There is a buzz in the office
Everyone is name dropping...and when I say "who?" people look at me like I have 3 heads.
Apparently some tv hot shots are going to be there...and I don't know any of them!
Sometimes I wonder why I am in this field considering I don't have a design bone in my body.
But I will be at this event. Mingling and talking to all these people about 2011 colour trends. I will smile and nod and sound like I know what I am talking about.
People cannot wait to see what we have up our sleeve for the upcoming year.
Me? I can't wait for the wine!
They have amazing wine. And of course I get to hang out with some really awesome coworkers I never get to spend time with....
I remember that day. I had woken up early...the day was warm and the sun was shining.
I had just taken over a new role at work that required me to help organize an event I knew nothing about. I was driving there...trying to convince myself everything would go smoothly.
I had to make all the arrangements for the "star" of the evening. Meeting him at his car, walking him through the building...sitting with him for the night. To me he was just a guy...but to the line up waiting for his autograph he was so much more.
The weeks leading up to that day had been excruciatingly difficult...stressful. I had spent a lot of time in tears, not having enough faith in myself...feeling like I couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me.
I cannot tell you how amazing I felt that day. The event had finished. I was praised by management...I had never felt so accomplished in all my life.I thought this was such a pivotal moment in my career here ( a year later I see how very wrong I was about that)
Sometimes you wanna write you want to write until your fingers bleed and your head hushes but even then the words get stuck...and drive you into a mental oblivion
the words circle your head...like birds of prey they stay and taunt and beg you "write of me"
and you can't
but sometimes they are there on the surface begging for a voice. I am begging for a voice.
I hear the words i taste them on my tongue but for now they reside inside... it's just not their time. not their place.
I bleed their power i wear their pain these are my words these are my secrets
Sometimes... Sometimes even the loudest of voices Need to be hushed
In their time these words....in their time.
For now these words are mine I carry them like a strange deja vue
In time In their time. But for now these words are mine.
I met a boy and fell in love Love at first sight. Well I’m kinda lying….i’ve met him before, if ever so briefly. It could have been the ear to ear smile Or those eyes that melted me It could have been the way he held my hand and said I love you Could have been the songs he sang to make me giggle Or all the things he taught me about dinosaurs that I never knew before. It could have been the way he shared his gum And let me hold on to his wrappers It could have been that he wanted to sleep with me the very first day he met me Or the way he said “I recognize you” although chances are slim that he did. Maybe it was the fact that he wanted me to ride his motorcycle…just for a minute tho Offering to go slow so I could win Or maybe the way he shared his Hot Rods…and gave me his favourite silver corvette. It could have been that I see his mamma in him Or the way she smiles when he does something totally goofy, or holds him when he cries. It...[More]
"I have no patience with the untorn, anyone who hasn't weathered rough weather, fallen apart, been ripped to pieces, put herself back together, big stitches, jagged cuts, nothing nice. Then something shines out. But these ones all shined up on the outside, the ass wigglers? I'll be honest, I don't like them. Not at all. "
Since A and I didn’t have to work we decided to head out to Elle Bee’s show…
We had great intentions of superb intoxication…as we both sat there on our old butt’s yawning our faces off.
If you know us at all….you know we ain’t quitters.We had Monday off…we were gonna get our drink on and enjoy it dammit.
We were sitting there in deep conversation….and as I went to cross my leg…it felt like my ass was stuck to the booth.I thought nothing of it…just thought my jeans were getting stuck in the rips of the leather booth.
After a while of crossing and uncrossing I thought it best to actually check out my butt…assess the situation.
I got up….and there was a huge wad of gum stuck to my ass.It had penetrated right in…
Nice.Real nice.
So I went to the bathroom so I could pick the gum off ….but the girls in there kept looking at me funny…...
I came across a random memory tonight…while walking the pup.
I was thinking about sleep…how tired I am feeling tonight.
Those who know me well…know that sleep is somewhat an obsession for me.
I love it…I crave it…never seem to get enough of it.
I have spent most of my life awake.Since Elle Bee has come into my life, I have discovered what a good, peaceful night’s sleep is.I have been able to sleep hours at a time.I have been able to wake up feeling rested.
Anyways…
When I was a kid…wait for it….
I never slept.
I was afraid of sleep…and was an active insomniac at the ripe ol’ age of 12.
I was afraid that if I fell asleep I had no control over my surroundings…my life.It was important that I stay awake.
And the times where I was exhausted…my little brain would go round and round and round…until I drove myself wide awake.
i started off the day taking a shower and getting dressed to head out. No, i didn't do my hair, no i didn't put on my face. I literally showered and went. That rarely happens when i go out into the world. never willingly at least. today i said fuck it. it was refreshing and freeing...honestly. i may even do it tomorrow. i don't wanna frighten the people at work...but seriously the time it saves me from getting ready is crazy. so tomorrow i may just be me at work....
we decided to go strawberry picking! I have never been. maybe i went to a farm on a class trip once, a gazillion years ago...but not that i can recall. I was like a kid in a candy store!!!! I was so excited to be out in the field picking my own fruits weeeeeeee!!! i got my hands dirty and i didn't even care i had fluffies all over my clothes...my clothes got dirty...my feet got dirty...and i loved it! I washed all the berries when i got home. I put them in freezer bags...2 bags of 4 cups, 2 bags of 2...
i have this unexplainable fear of death. not just dying...but of the dead. i have a fear of sitting in a room with a lifeless body in close proximity. this causes me great anxiety...great fear...so much grief. i sit here typing and i feel the panic growing like a fever all over my body. my palms begin to sweat and my heart races...tears form in my eyes. panic. i feel this exaggerated panic taking over... and so, as if i didn't have problems enough in the sleep department...tonight there may be no sleep at all.
i wonder if people...who think people have no souls have ever seen a body...a lifeless body. i am sure their opinions would change. Have you seen a lifeless body? everything that made them..."them" is gone. every facial feature that you memorized like the back of your hand...gone. it is a shell....that body you reside in. a carrier. the souls' packaging, that you get on loan for the time you are here until you are gone.
i have a fear of loss and losing. I have a fear of anyone's life going by unnoticed. i have a fear that everything you ever lived to be...
It’s been a stressful week…and it’s only Wednesday.
I need some resolve and not too sure where I can go to seek it.
Some things I feel comfortable discussing…some not so much.
Ever had a gut feeling?I am sure I have written about that before.Where your gut is screaming at you “Warning!!!! Warning!!!!!”
That is my gut…and that’s what she is saying.
Things are uncomfortable on the work front.Too many closed door meetings.PA and my boss.PA and I just had a falling out.I think he went and expressed his disdain to my boss.
V is a woman I normally get along with famously.She has been giving me the cold shoulder for almost 2 weeks now.I indirectly work with her within my new role.She has no dealings with my boss on a work level.So…add the cold shoulder to the fact she had a closed door meeting with my boss….in enters my major paranoia....
29 years ago…almost to the day, I traveled half way across the world just to see you.
I don’t remember much…but oh the things I do remember.
Flying there to see you…to meet you…my mom allowed me the window seat.For years and years I believed there was a highway in the sky…leading me to you.That somehow God had crafted a special road to travel in the sky…because he knew we had to get to you…he didn’t want us getting lost….being late.I learned later that it was the wing of the airplane I was looking at…not a magical highway in the sky…but doesn’t my theory sound better?
I remember all things Greek.The sloppy kisses, the pinching of the cheeks…hundreds of strangers drinking me in and speaking a mile a minute…my ears could not keep up.
The old women constantly trying to feed me…I was too small…did my mother not feed me? Eat eat…EAT!!!!!
I remember my cousin M and I keeping ourselves entertained,...
I was going to sit on my balcony…u know…smoking and drinking wine…listen to music and write…but the weather is a little cool.
Looks like I will have to wait a little while longer to get inspired by a warm summer breeze.
I have my itunes playing on shuffle…I feel like being random…so this entry may make zero sense…but really…I don’t often make sense.
So consider me here for your entertainment.
Currently I am listening to….Gravity. S.B (I’ll keep u informed of the random tuneage…even if it is embarrassing)
I was told jamjam knocked my computer on the floor while I was at work.It would explain why my “v” is not working properly.Grrrr.
I love this time of year…it’s getting warmer…the days are longer…more people are out and about.
Especially those young doods who don’t believe in having mufflers …blaring their bombastic toons (as I turn down the volume on my barry manilow lol…I KID)…staring...
"I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to weigh in.
goddess, you live in a world of illusions. A world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you'd discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You'd see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you'd understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before."
I went digging through a box, looking for something very specific.Of course I never found it…that is after all Murphy’s law yes?
Instead I found a box…within the box…and my curiosity got the best of me.
Inside this box…I found 7 pieces of you.7 untouched, unopened, hand crafted pieces of you.
I studied them closely…the hand writing, the address…your name.I turned them over and over in my hands…looking for an opening…I must have opened them.Why are they not opened?
In my hand, 7 cards for 7 days.All of a sudden it came back to me.Clear as day.
Because you were gone…away from me…it was your goal to make my birthday even more important than before.It would be my birthday week.No longer just a birthday and day after my birthday celebration.You pulled out the big guns.
Every day of the week…I would open my mailbox and find you in there…well, pieces of you anyways.Some...
I’d like to tell you the name of the restaurant…but alas…I cannot.
It was early on a Tuesday…so it didn’t really surprise me that the place was empty.A very eager waitress greeted us as we walked in.
Those who know me know…I’m kind of a spelling freak.I am not saying I am perfect…I have friends who gladly pick out my errors….but anyways…that’s for another day.
So I pick up the menu and wonder aloud…what is an ome-latte?Is it some egg drink-like concoction that these health nuts made up??No it’s just an omelette spelt really really wrong.And so the fun began.I think my word of the day was ome-latte. Lol Say it…it’s fun.
I cannot recall the million spelling errors I found…but the side order of “3 Effs” was my favourite.I’d like 3 effs, sunny side up please.
The only place a woman can go to be alone is the bathroom. A woman would like to be wrapped in strong arms when she cries, without having to explain, or huddle on the couch wrapped in a blanket and a cat. But all over America, women crouch instead on a white, cold monument to wasting water. We lean against a chilled tile wall, stare at ourselves in an icy mirror, flush the toilet to cover howls and curses, brush our teeth twice to cover the taste of anger. We lock the door, fill the tub with hot bubbles, take a long time shaving our legs and armpits, study the way waves break over bulging stomachs. We scour the sink and rearrange the bottles under it, refold towels, throw away old prescriptions, count bandaids and bottles of suntan lotion. We turn out the lights, stare into candle flames, light incense, try to pretend we've taken our troubles to a glowing temple, placed them in the lap of a smiling golden Goddess.
Outside, men--who wouldn't know what to do if a woman curled up in...
